Let the pain be pain, not in the hope that it will vanish, but in the faith that it will fit in, find its place in the shape of things, and be then not any less pain, but true to form. ~ Albert Huffstickler, from “Wanda” Walking Wounded
Loss.. feels like one's life is empty and nothing can fill that void and everytime you try to pick up those pieces and put yourself together, it falls apart, and everyday that passes by you turn silent and numb. Like that little boy in Ice Queen where he couldn't spell freedom with pieces of ice, as his heart turned into ice with no senses left in him.
Its been a while but I still can not comprehend everything that went down with me. And here every time I see my ICQ screen, it seems like your words will blink in blue and say “ hey how are you?”
My system is shutting down as it goes into overdrive everytime it tries to think of my present and gives me hope of my future. And there is so much pain, so much pain but I still can't bring myself together to produce deep dark hatred! I wish I could, maybe that would bring me some peace but I can't!
I ask myself regularly...was that a dream or was I the one living in denial...did I let you be a master puppeteer or was I playing along in this show all along...was that in even real, or everything took place in my fantasy...
You promised! And in the end just like everything, those were just hollow sea shells dispersed on a coast of illusion, where I thought of that illusion as my reality. You were suppose to be there for me! you promised me that you will never abandon me! If those were your words and if your words are true then how come I am all alone over here, sitting in the corner of this large room, trying to bring all those memories from those file cabinets and looking for clues that maybe.. oh maybe I was wrong... and trying to unfold my trauma and see where did I go wrong....
"Why is that you are the one who made a single handed decision of abandoning me and I am the one who is in suffering! Why is that all those memories are haunting me and not you and I am in this misery where I see no way out... why am I in such place where even death has abandoned me that it wouldnt touch my body or soul. Why are you surrounded by so much love and friends and family, and I here alone in the dark corner of my room?!"
I never lied, betrayed and was always there for you, it was a promise to myself that I will always take care of you. And I failed just cos of you! How will I face myself in hereafter that I couldnt keep my word to myself! What will I tell her.... “Err.. you were just too much of a woman for them”, how did you just leave me without saying anything ...
Where were you when I buried my dreams, life, hopes, a friend and “Rojean”, all on my own... I was all alone, no one was there for me.
All I could do was to have a smile on my face so that no one could see my loss, my pain.
I couldnt share that burden with no one!
That stretched out hand that you saw on one rainy night, it wasnt just me, it was my everything and me.
And now, I am alone in the dark corner of a room, hoping, that one day, my body will agree with me and let me leave this place of misery.
"Still now, I send letters into space hoping that some mail man somewhere will track you down and recognize you from the description in my poems, that he will place the stack of them in your hands and tell you 'There is a girl who still writes you...she doesn't know how not to." ~ Sarah Kay